Missing Your Chances
by Jackson The Saxophone
Summary: When Dan dies in a tragic car accident, Phil is crushed! While mourning for the loss of his friend, Phil stumbles upon some videos that will change the way he looks at life. CAUTION: Self-harm and suicide triggers. Phan, AmazingPhilXDanisnotonfire
1. Chapter 1

You know how people say you have to take the chance and do what feels right when you have the chance? They are right, and I learned that a little too late. I hope you will learn from my mistakes, and will live in a way so that you will not have any regrets, unlike me. That is the story of how I missed the best thing of my life.

I sighed. Dan was late, he said he was going to be back at five, and it was six-thirty! I don't like being over protective, but an hour and a half is a long time. '_Maybe he has found a girl, and is with her. You have to remember that he has his own life, and that you don't own him, Phil.' _Yet again I had to remind myself that I wasn't in control of Dan, no matter how much I love him. He wouldn't accept it, so I have to leave it alone. Besides, I wouldn't even be able to tell him that I'm bi, let alone tell him how I truly love him.

I looked at my phone. I hadn't called yet, since I didn't want him to get any ideas, but I think that I could just tell him that I was wondering if it was okay if I had dinner without him. I rang up the phone, and a woman picked it up. "Hello?"

"Oh, uh, hi. Is this Dan's phone?" I asked, the girl not really sounding like she would be with Dan. She sounded all serious and kind of old.

"That is very possible; would you come to the Police Station of 23rd Avenue? I will explain once you're here, just ask for Detective Catherine Jones." My heart rushed and I nodded, and then realized that I was on the phone, so she couldn't see me nod.

"Oh, okay detective, I'll be there in about five minutes." I grabbed my keys and headed for the door as quickly as possible, a twist appearing in my gut. _He probably lost his phone and they want me to pick it up for him. Or he had been robbed, and needed someone to pick him up, but happened to be asleep at the time. Yeah, nothing really bad happened, it's all going to be fine. _I reassured myself, though I knew that wasn't how it worked with the police. They would have called one of the phone's numbers first, and besides, I know Dan has memorized my number, and I've memorized his.

I went outside and saw that there was a thunder-storm. Dan loves those; he would love to sit outside just to watch them, even if it meant getting soaked. Whenever thunder would strike, he would be found sitting by the window, completely enthralled, stopping whatever he was doing just to watch. It was a little weird at first, but I got used to it. We even paused the Doctor Who Christmas Special! I hope he is okay, so that he can see it, curled up with a cup of cereal and milk and a teaspoon. He really is adorable when he does that, his face lighting up whenever the lightning would strike. Just another thing I love about him.

I ran to the car, going as fast as I could without getting pulled over. Haste does make waste, and right now I felt I didn't have a minute to spare. When I got to the station, I went through the door. I hurried straight to the front desk, and I waited for the lady to notice me. She had big glasses and a purple shirt, but seemed to be around 24. She looked up and asked in a tone way too happy for a person working in a police station, "What may I help you with, sir?"

"I am looking for Detective Catherine Jones, she told me over the phone to come." The girl typed wickedly fast whilst looking back at the screen.

When she finished, she looked at me and said a bit glumly, "Yes, Detective Catherine from the homicide department. Follow me, sir; she said you would be asking for her. We'll be going down to the morgue."

My heart stopped, and everything in my world froze. The girl nodded and stood for a moment, waiting for me to get my bearings. I felt numb inside as I followed her, and I was just on auto-pilot, both of us standing silently as we went into the lift and rode down. I blocked out all thoughts for when I got home, and I just did what I had to do.

She led me into a cool room, and a woman in her early 40s was standing there, next to a dead body that was covered by teal paper. The young girl left, and I was alone with the woman, who stuck out her hand and introduced herself. I did the same, though my voice was just a monotone line of words, as was hers. I got bits and pieces, but I couldn't really say I was listening. Really, the only bit I heard was the last three words, which sent shivers down my spine. "—identify the body?"

I meekly nodded, though I knew that Dan was under the blue tissue. With all my will, I wished that it would just be a random person I didn't know, and Dan was with a girl, or stuck in traffic. Or even at home in the flat, watching the storm, or playing Skyrim. That he wasn't anywhere near here, in a safe place.

Detective Catherine lifted the top and folded it over and I saw Dan, a blank expression on his face. There was no gleam in his eyes, no color in his face, no rise and fall of his chest. But yet, I felt like he was really just sleeping, and would wake up and grin. That he was just pulling another one of those horrible pranks on me, like he always does.

My eyes widened and I took a step back, feeling a little sick. Then I went up to him, looking at his face. He had several scratches and a large hole on the top of his head. They probably cleaned him up quite a bit, since that hole would have bled gallons. I grabbed his hand and slid to the ground, the smell of metal filling my head. The entire time, Detective Catherine sat by silently, feeling sorry for me. Did I want her pity? No. I wanted to crawl in a hole, cradling Dan in my arms. I wanted to have my best friend—the man I loved, but never got the chance to tell. Numbly, I flicked my fingers across his eyes, his eyes closing easier than I thought possible. "Goodnight, Dan." I whispered. I regained myself, a single tear falling down my cheek, dripping onto my Danosaur shirt. I wiped it away, and stood up, weakly saying to the Detective, "This is Daniel Howell. He is also known as '_danisnotonfire' _on YouTube. If you need more information, call me. I will be going now. I hope you have a good day, Detective."

I wandered over to the lift, and went back up. When I got to the top, I went outside, though I walked straight past the car. Too many memories. I went in the opposite direction of our—my flat. I walked without a direction in mind. I felt empty, sick, dizzy, angry, sad, and everything was just dull. Usually the colors around me would pop, but right now everything seemed like it was in black and white. Not even black and white, it was all just grey. No one matters, I realized. I don't matter. Dan doesn't matter. We are all just little specks on this earth. Everything we do is pointless, and the world will move on no matter what we do. No one person will ever make a mark on this chuck of rock that floats through space. Everyone is useless, as is everything we do, so why bother? I looked up. I hadn't even realized it was still raining. Pulling up my hood I continued on.

I took out my I-phone, a picture of me and Dan in Italy on the cover. I grimaced and went to Dan's mother's number. I had it in there ever since we went over a few months ago. She needed to know about Dan. She was the only person who really needed to know, because she could spread the word to the rest of his family. To think that her son had died, it was horrible, so I banished all feelings to the back of my mind and did what I knew I had to do. I dialed the number and put the phone up to my ear, waiting for her to answer.

"Hello, Philip. What a pleasure for you to call! It's been a while; I hope Dan has been taking good care of you—and vice versa!"

"Well, Mrs. Howell, I have something horrible to tell you, and I just want to get it out fast. Daniel died earlier today, and was found by the police. They believe that a drunk driver hit him." I rushed it all out, in the same monotone that the Detective used. There was a silence, and I waited for her to respond.

"Oh. Okay, Phil. I'll—I'll talk to you later." And with that she hung up.

I sighed, turning around, knowing I would have to face Dan's absence at some point. But why now? Why tonight? Why hadn't I… told him I love him? I sighed, and finally broke. Dan was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. I backed up to the brick wall and slid down. I cried for what may have hours, or minutes, though it really didn't matter. I didn't have anyone waiting for me. No one care for Phil, they all cared about Dan. I was always 'Phil, Dan's best friend,' but I had found ways to come to terms with this, and I didn't mind it. Besides, it gave me a place, people around me, and a purpose. I could be myself around Dan, but I couldn't really say the same about all of my other friends. I wasn't really me without Dan.

I stood up and went in the direction I came from, going to the car. I remembered when Dan insisted we played red-light-green-light with the car, stopping at random places in the road. I shook my head and got into the vehicle, memories being my worst enemy right now.

The ride home was long, and the silence deafening. I pulled into our spot, and went up the 37 flights of stairs. I just didn't want to be in the lift, though I didn't have an actual reason not to. When I was right in front of the door, and I had the key in my hand, I didn't open it. I had no urge to be in there.

I sat in front of the door, and just stared off into space. Who cared what I did? No one did, not really. Dan would care if I sat in front of the flat, and he would drag me inside.

Eventually I went inside, and immediately regretted it. There were memories everywhere. I hadn't really quite realized how close Dan and I had become up until this point—there wasn't a single thing that I could exactly pinpoint as mine. Everything that I owned, Dan owned as well and vice versa. How could I live here when everything I saw held a different memory of Dan?

I sat on the couch, watching the storm like Dan would've. I think I finally got what Dan loved about it, it was very interesting. The entire world would light up for a millisecond, and then plunge back into darkness, making up pay attention so we don't miss anything. I watched until the clouds rolled away, until the night sky shown through and the moon was clearly visible.

I found that I had been watching for three hours! It was ten-fifteen, and I had nothing to do. Dan wasn't here, and we'd usually play a videogame or something. I grabbed the controller for the X-box and turned it on. Skyrim was still in from when Dan was playing earlier, and I decided to play it. I had never really gotten into that kind of game before, but I might as well try it.

I put it on and started a new game, overriding Dan's old one. I actually got into the game quite bit, and at around twelve-thirty, I decided to turn it off. I was hungry, and decided to have some cereal. I got a cup and a teaspoon and ate it from those. Maybe I was becoming like Dan, I thought, though it was a possibility. I didn't really see anything wrong with becoming like Dan, I love him a lot. I shrugged and grabbed a Guitar Hero controller. I put in the disk and started it up. I played for a couple of hours, and at around two-forty-five I shut the game down.

After getting ready for bed, I went on my laptop for a while, and decided to sleep in Dan's room. In a way it was a little weird, because not very long ago I wouldn't even go into the house, and now I'm very embracive of all of Dan's things.

When I saw a link to one of Dan's videos, I remembered his '_Last Video.' _He had made it a while ago for if he died before me, and it was to let all his fans know that he had died and last things he thought they should know. I had been given the job of posting it for him.

I grabbed his computer from the bean bag on the floor and opened it up. I typed in his password and searched through all of his videos when I came to a folder that was titled _'When I die.'_ I clicked on it and saw several videos, all addressed to people. There was 'to mum & dad,' 'to Danosaurs,' 'to my friends,' 'to whom it may concern,' and finally, 'To Phil.'

I emailed Dan's parents their video and posted the video for the fans without even looking at them. They weren't for me, so I had to reason to watch them. I didn't know who the '_to whom that may concern_' could possibly be to, and the one that said '_to my friends'_ should technically be for me, but I also had an entire video dedicated to me. I decided to watch the one that was for me, though I was a little afraid of what it would say. Had he known about my crush on him, but ignored it because he really didn't like me that way? Or had he liked me, too, but we had wasted all my time worrying about the other not feeling the same. Honestly, I had no idea which would hurt more; I would hate myself if it was either option.

I pressed play, fearing the worst. "Hey Phil! If you're watching this, then I have spontaneously died. I am going to be a little bit quick with this, because I don't really know what to say. Here I go! I want you to know that I look up to you, like that older brother I never had. This is my goodbye to you and you alone, because I love you, and I want to thank you for everything you've done. I never thought I would get so lucky to have a best friend like you, who cares about me and always cheered me up when I was down. Honestly, I always wished you were…" Dan trailed off a bit and coughed, then came back strong with his words. "Were a girl. Then we would fall in love, and live happily ever after." Dan motioned with his arms, like the world would guarantee a happy ending to anyone who looked. Yeah right, not even you got a happy ending, Dan.

"But, you did end up filling in holes I hadn't even realize I had in my life. I found how to truly be happy, with a real friend who will accept me for me, and loves me like a brother… Okay, now I'm just repeating myself. This is really getting sappy, so I'm going to wrap up soon. I also want you to give the videos to the people that they are addressed to. Most of them are pretty obvious, my mum and dad's video, yours, the one you post on my channel. The one that is addressed _'to whom that may concern'_ is also for you, but I want you to wait until at least a week after I die before you see it. I don't want everything to be at once, so space out the time that you see the videos. And finally, goodbye. Goodbye Philip Lester, the person I met through YouTube, and the person that I trust most. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't think it was. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. Bye."

I sat there, staring at the screen as Dan's video ended. Dan looked like he was about to cry for the second half, and I found tears running down my cheeks. I searched through the video, look for the part where he said he wished I was a girl. _Would he have dated me if I had asked? _ Yet, Dan was the confident one, and he would be the one to ask, he would never be scared of rejection, he was too strong. Was the complication that he was straight? Or was it that he thought I was straight. I sighed calmly and closed Dan's laptop. He wouldn't like me that way; he was straight—_very_ straight. I wish I had been born a girl just so Dan would have liked me, and I wouldn't have to deal with loathing myself for something I couldn't control. But yet, somehow, I felt like my being a guy was my fault.

I sighed and jumped onto the bed, face up. What would I do for the week that I had to wait for Dan's next video? I was going to heed his request, mostly because it was Dan's final request. But what would I do until then? Just sit around and wait? After that video, I didn't feel as embracive of Dan's things and lifestyle as I was just a bit ago. Instead of going to bed like I usually would at around three in the morning, I decided to make a video. It was going to be more of a vlog, since I didn't really feel like editing the video. I took a quick shower and grabbed my camera, thinking about what I would say. I was going to tell them about Dan's death and make a tribute video. It was all I could really do, since Dan wasn't exactly here to give me inspiration or anything.

"Hello everyone. Today I'm going to have a vlog instead of the kind of vlog instead of my usual kind of video, because I want to tell you this as soon as possible. I don't really know how to say this, but earlier today, Dan…" Phil trailed off and looked down for a second. Once he felt he had regained himself, he looked up and said, "Daniel Howell died after he was hit by a drunk driver. I… I am making this video to remember him, and also to let you guys know that he will no longer be making YouTube, as you can imagine. There will be a link to a video that he made a while back, telling you something that he wanted you to know. I don't know what it is because I didn't watch the video before I posted it, but go ahead and watch it." I flicked some of my scratchy black hair out of my eyes, not really wanting to continue. This would be the part that I would recall memories from things Dan and I had done, and it was a scary thought. I saw a couple of drops fall onto my pajama pants, and I looked up, expecting a leak in the roof, but I found none. The droplets were actually coming from my eyes, but I didn't acknowledge them. I didn't care if everyone saw me cry, I had every right to cry, but I wouldn't cry like a baby. I wouldn't sob or anything like that, just let the tears fall silently. Dan would do the same. But did I want to be like him?

"Dan… Daniel Howell was a very nice person. He was violent at times, but didn't actually hurt anyone. Ever. He had a positive outlook on life, and he pretty much live by the term '_whatever will be, will be.' _So there were loads of things that he did that I would never have the courage to do. He was amazing. He was fairly smart, he was amazing at piano, and he would like people for who they are. He wasn't that bad in the way of looks, to be honest, and he was very kind. He was… perfect." I whipped away some of my tears. _Don't sob. Just breath evenly, they understand. Just tell them what you though… _

"I… I want to be honest with you all. I want to tell you guys the truth; tell you what I was never brave enough to tell Dan… I… I love Dan. Yes I, Philip Lester am bisexual. I had a crush on Dan when I met him, and over time as I grew to like him more and more. Eventually I started to love him, and I realized it wasn't as a brother, the way he like me. I love him as something more, though I knew I could never tell anyone." I turned my face from the camera, but continues to talk. "I don't care what other people think anymore, though. Any one of you could call me a fucking faggot, and I won't give a damn. The only thing I regret is that I never told Dan. Even if he had rejected me, it would have been better than this in-between. Not knowing, it truly is the worst thing in the world, no matter what you may think. The worst part is…" I shook my head, not even knowing how tears could ever flow this fast. The little 'ocean children'—as Dan would call them whenever I was down—falling everywhere. "Never mind me. We are here in memory of danisnotonfire. For this, I want something huge to happen. I want you to put in the comments below something that will make everyone's head turn. I want something huge, that will make Dan be remembered for a long while. I will put together a team of YouTubers and we will try to override the system. He _will _beremembered! I will do everything in my power to make sure of it!"

I kept a serious face, trying not to smile. I was proud of that speech, and I was going to fall through. I don't know what suddenly brought it up, but I liked the idea. We would honor Dan, and we would make him proud if he was watching us from where ever he was. I had a purpose!

I stopped the camera and posted the video, putting a link to Dan's other video in the end credits, the said credits being the only editing I did. I named in "IMPORTATNT: Our Revolution," and after I uploaded it I went to Dan's video to the public. I decided to watch from YouTube instead of from Dan's computer, because then I didn't feel like an intruder of their business. Like if I watched it from YouTube I would be just another Danosaur, seeing one of my favorite YouTubers dead, not my best friend.

I got the video queued up, but because I was nervous, I went into the kitchen to get some tea. I checked the clock and saw that it was five-twenty-seven. Who care, though? I wasn't tired in the slightest, and I was well on my way to an amazing breakthrough, where I could feel like I haven't failed Dan. I got coffee instead of tea, and crisps and Maltesers, wanting energy for the long night ahead. I didn't want to crash as I was in the middle of this project, though I know I couldn't work on it all night. I feared sitting still for too long without having something to do. I would rather crash in front of his computer rather than sit with only my own mind, because I don't know what he would start to think about. I hate having that silly fear, but I can't help it. I'm not as strong as Dan, nor will I ever be. But I couldn't help it, so I had to deal with it. Oh well, I'll live.

When I got back to Dan's room, I sat down and got situated, starting the video.

"Hello, Danosaurs. Today I have some horrible news and that if you are watching this I have died. It would not have been expected or anything like that because if I expected to die I would have made a different video. I want you guy to have a last video, though, because I think you deserve it. I don't want to just disappear!" This sentence made me think of my project, rather proudly. "So, I've made this as a goodbye!"

Dan put his hands up like he was happy, but then became very serious. "Now, listen guys, I may be acting all happy and fun in this video, but in real life right now, people will be mourning my death. I don't want you guys offering advice or anything like that, because they will be able to deal with this on their own. You can say you feel sorry for them and thing like that, but after around a week or so after this video is posted, I don't want any more of you posting thing that mention me, unless that person says it is okay, okay? Some people like to deal with losses differently than others, and you have to respect that." Dan gave the camera a pointed look like he was talking to a four-year-old, and I let out a small giggle. It was amazing how he could _still_ make me laugh.

"Now that I have passed on, the cult that you were in has dispersed. Don't worry, though! You can always join Phil or something, and I'm sure they will treat you nicely. Though, they probably aren't as crazy as you people, I think you can manage. However, you will always, _always_ be a Danosaur at heart… or like, on your keyboard, or something." Dan waved this off like he didn't really care about the difference, and like he wasn't talking about when he was dead, unlike the video that he made for me. However, I did notice something about him that I noticed only because I have known him for years. He was nervous. He was going to tell us all something and he was afraid of how people would react. I was fairly curious about what I could possibly be.

"And now I will tell you one last thing. I don't really know if I should, but… YOLO! Hahaha, I'm just kidding. It's more like IDSNOCKM!" He said the like "idus-nockum," and written on the screen said '_I died, so no one can kill me.'_ I thought I was adorable, and I like it, but I didn't want to wait to find out what he was going say. Dan with be the death of me, even if he isn't alive to finish the job.

"Here I go…" Dan paused for a moment, and Phil was at the edge of his seat, having no idea what he could possible say. "I, Daniel Howell, am bisexual. I like a friend, but he doesn't like me back. When I first met him, I had a crush on him, and over time it grew until I could honestly say that I love him. That boy is named Philip Lester, but I don't have enough courage to tell him. But, I would rather suffer in silence and still be his friend rather than not have him as a friend and have him know. But go ahead, call me a fucking fag, I don't care! Technically I'm dead, so it doesn't matter, but if I were alive and Phil and I started going out, I wouldn't give a damn what you called me. Insult Phil, on the other hand, and your ass will be dead before you know it!" Dan smiled fake-cheerfully; pausing like it was a picture, and then did a jump-cut so he was farther away from the camera.

"With that note I will leave you, and I want you to know this is seriously my last video, and this is my last goodbye. Bye!" Dan suddenly had cat-whiskers and did a hand-heart, freezing the picture until he faded into black and white, and then faded out completely.

I stared at the screen, looking at the person I love, who actually loved me back. I never got to tell him, and he never got to tell me, and neither of us would. I didn't even know what to think. I was shocked.

You know how people say you have to take the chance and do what feels right when you have the chance? They are right, and I learned that a little too late. I hope you will learn from my mistakes, and will live in a way so that you will not have any regrets, unlike me. That was the story of how I missed the best thing of my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**I am near tears because of how nice you all are!**** Hahaha, I'm such an emotional person!****In the last part, though, I notice I had soooo many grammar errors, so I'm really sorry for that ****(at random times I would just start talking in third instead of first)****.****But it was like three in the morning, so you can't blame me ****(you can, but I have an excuse, so I win)****.****If you do, I'll still love you though, because you took the time out of your day just to see my story. ****Thank you, thank you, thank you, I can't say it enough! ****I love you all! ****I'm just going to shut up now before I make a fool of myself… ****thx for reading! ****^_^ ****(****I****'****m****c****u****r****i****o****u****s****,****c****a****n****y****o****u ****s****e****e****t****h****e****color****?****)**

**PS—****I****am****American,****so ****I****will ****put ****both ****feet ****and ****meters ****(I'm just soooo American that I can't only put meters, lol). ****Also****,****on ****this ****document****I****managed ****to ****make ****it ****crash****,****soooo ****I****cut ****it ****short ****(don't ask me how I managed it).****Any ****questions****?****Just ****put ****it ****in ****the ****reviews****!**

**-Z**

I sighed, stretching out on what used to be Dan's bed. I had made at least one video every day, filming and editing all in one day, because I had nothing else to do. What _could_ I do? I really didn't feel like going on tumblr or twitter because I didn't want to see what people thought about Dan's death, or how we had both loved each other but didn't tell anyone. Cooking and such weren't options, because I wasn't really very hungry anymore, and I didn't want to clean the house, because then it would feel like I would be washing away the Dan-ness of it. Videogames and things like that weren't appealing to me, so I would film, and edit—sometimes more than one video a day.

Ever since Dan died, (three days ago) I had been working on the project to make Dan remembered. I had an idea, thanks to the YouTuber CheetahPie, also known as Kayla. She was the beta of the team, and we had a lot of good YouTubers on our team. We had charlieissocoollike, nerimon, BananaNeil, JennaMarbles, SarahGrace1, and loads others. Everyone was so nice it the memory of Dan, everyone was helping me more than I ever thought they would, and I almost never got any hate mail about my sexuality. Everything was going a lot better than I thought it would, but there was one thing. I missed Dan. I still had four days until I could watch the other video, and I was nervous. In the back of my mind I knew that he would tell me about his secret crush, but I hoped that there would something more—something that would fill in the blanks, though I couldn't really explain what it would be.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Kayla messaging me through Facebook, which I was pretty happy about. She was pretty much the only person I really talked to anymore, and I loved how she was always really nice about whether certain things would be okay to post or if I thought they would be offensive. Honesty, she's the only reason I wasn't overworking myself in this project, because I felt I could trust her with part of it. After all, she was the one that had the come up with the idea. I opened the IM tab to see what she wrote.

_I found some more people to add to the team. Also, I was wondering if you are still up for the live chat today and still want me to come over. –K _

I had forgotten about the live chat, so thank god that she reminded me.

_Yeah, I almost forgot. Thanks for reading my mind and telling me that. I should go buy some food, because my fridge is feeling sad, lol. –P _

_Hahaha, no problem. If it weren't for the fact that I had it on a sticky note by the door, I would have forgotten, too. See you at three. –K _

_See ya. –P _

I flicked my fringe out of my eyes and sat up, closing the tabs on my computer. I really needed more food in my house for when Kirstan came over, so I needed to go to the store. I should probably make something for dinner because it was going to be a long live chat, and I didn't want to make Kirstan go hungry. I grabbed one of Dan's old hoodies and a pair of his old sneakers. I had begun to use those kinds of things, though I still used my own clothes.

I got my keys and drove to the store, grabbing some healthy food and junk food. Kirstan is vegetarian, so I got salad stuff, some fruits, and lots of candy (Maltesers, mostly, but also ice cream and things that will for sure get you fat, along with a '_Box of Barrett's Milk Teeth'_). I also got some cake mix, incase Kayla and I got bored. It was weird how close we had gotten over the course of three days, but she was really nice and almost understood what I was going through. She knew I didn't want to talk about it and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do, just letting me recover at my own pace. For that I am thankful.

After paying and bringing the three bags to my car, I got a phone call. I checked the caller ID and saw it was from 999. What did they want? I picked up and said "This is Phil, may I ask who's calling?"

"Phil, this is Detective Catherine Jones, the person who investigated Daniel Howell's death. I want to inform you that the person that killed Dan is in jail, and going to be put on trial, tape from his camera proving as evidence that James killed him. I would also like to ask if you wanted the thing that he had when he was killed. They include his phone, wallet, his keys and a camera." Relief flooded through my veins. The person who killed Dan was now officially put to justice, and I didn't have to worry about him killing another innocent person. That was a good thing.

"Yes, I would. I will be by in a minute to pick them up if that is okay with you." I replied, getting into the car. I was in quite a good mood, and I felt happier than I had in a long while, though not as happy as when Dan was still around. I don't think I ever would be that happy again, but I think I can manage.

"Yes, that will be fine. Ask the woman at reception for Daniel Howell's thing and you can be on your way." The Detective said, though I noticed she still didn't have any emotion is her voice. It was probably a cop thing.

"Okay, thank you—for everything. I'll be there in a second. Bye, I guess." Wow. That was really awkward for me.

"Okay, bye." She said, and hung up. That was just really awkward. I guess that was my fault, I am prone to causing awkwardness.

I drove the car to 23rd and went in, the same girl from three days ago sitting there. "Hey!" I said, smiling as I went up—wait WHAT?! I _smiled?_ That wasn't really something I did anymore, especially to strangers. Now I'm just smiling at random people, like I did when Dan was alive.

I dismissed my thoughts when she smiled back at me. "Hey to you, too. You're here for Daniel Howell's things, right? You were the boy here the other day, right?"

"Yes, I am. My name's Phil." I smiled, flicking my hair out of my eyes, a habit that was similar to Dan's '_inappropriate winking'_ but wasn't quite as flirty. One thing we definitely had in common was that neither of us could intentionally flirt, but we accidentally did all the time. It was really quite annoying, and gave us quite a bit of hassle, but neither of us could help it.

"I'm Tina; it's very nice to meet you. If you would just follow me, I can take you to the storage room in the back. Daniel's things will be there." She typed while she said this, and when she was done she hoped off, and I noticed that she is very short. Last time I was too busy with Dan's death to notice that, but she was only up to my ribs. Granted, I am pretty tall, around 6'4 feet/193 cm, but she was barely 5 feet/152 cm tall. How could someone be that tiny? I bet she was made fun of a lot in high school, probably being called tiny Tina.

"Lead the way." I nodded, the familiar setting ripping away the good mood, putting me into a quite a bad mood. I wouldn't take it out on Tina, but inside I felt sick. Actually, I don't think I should say _sick,_ as much as… empty. Like I had the urge to cry, but didn't want to, like I really wanted to sprint away, but no urge to move. Like something had been ripped away, giving me no time to prepare myself. I hid these feelings, not wanting to just crawl back into my hole like I did the last time I was here. I was finally getting better.

Tina showed me into a huge room full of boxes, all just full of stuff that the people who had died had with them, but their families didn't want. I wouldn't want Dan's thing to end up like that, everything that Dan had every touched was practically sacred, and I was pretty excited about having the last things that Dan had with him while he was alive. Like a little kid on Christmas, in a way. Though, that is a pretty gruesome comparison, when you think about it, so I'm never going to use that again.

"Here you go, Phil; a camera, phone, wallet, and keys. Have a nice day." She signaled for me to leave, so I did, making my way back to my car. I hope the ice cream didn't melt.

I drove home, the way home from the station not nearly as horrible as the last time. It wasn't that long of a way, only two minutes, and when I got home it was almost two-thirty. I had enough time to get ready and clean up a bit before Kayla would get here, if I hurried. As fast as I could I loaded the dishes into the dishwasher, put the groceries away and took a quick shower, doing my hair afterwards. When I was about half way done straightening my hair, someone rang the doorbell, and I set the straightener down to go open the door, knowing that Kayla would be there.

I let Kayla in, and she set up her laptop across from mine on the floor, while I went to finish my hair. When I was done, I saw that she was ready, and was doing something on her IPhone. "Hey." I said, grabbing a peach. She waved and muttered a small hello, engrossed with what she was doing on her cell. "Want a peach or something?"

"Got any Milk Teeth?" She asked, and I grabbed the box, coming back and sitting by my own computer, while handing her the candy she wanted. Finally, she closed her phone, beaming. I wondered what she was doing, but didn't ask, since it really wasn't my business.

"You ready?" I asked, and she nodded, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, her red hair coming out from behind her ear in the process. She ignored it and opened the internet tab, logging in on YouNow. I did the same, the hopes of being able to get more people on our revolution team rising in my chest. No matter how many people we got, it never felt like we had enough, so I always was trying to get people to join, no going as far as to be annoying, though.

We went through two hours of answering questions; most of them pretty average, and nothing all that interesting. It was pretty fun, but I felt like something was missing, and I'm sure you know exactly what it was. Dan. I missed how we used to answer questions about how our relationship was _definitely_ not real, and how we were just friends. Wow. We were both lying that whole time, and we both like the other. I was so stupid to let the best thing in my life slip by, too. I am such a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have played it safe; I should have risked it so that I could have something that would have made my life heaven. But no, I didn't, and I got stuck in hell. Fucking idiot.

"Phil?" Kayla said, snapping me from my thoughts. "Are you okay with answering this question, or do you want a different one. I probably shouldn't have picked this one, and should have asked you first, to see if it was okay." I glanced at the question. _Phil, when will the revolution be over? When will you feel that Dan has made a big enough mark that you could finally leave it alone? _ It wasn't that bad, I could answer it, though I didn't really know the answer.

"It's fine, Kayla. I just zoned out for a second." I turned back to the webcam, plastering on a small fake smile. "I actually don't know when I will stop working on the revolution, but I hope that it will last longer than I will. Who knows, maybe we might actually make a small mark on this earth, if all of us 'little people' work together to create one 'larger figure.' We can create the picture that we want everyone to see of us, showing people the way we do things. We can show that we aren't just mindless kids that can't make a difference, and remind the world that we will be in power one day. Show them that we can handle it, and won't just become copies of them. That we won't fuck it up." I did a quick hair flip, barely noticing, and then continued, "Though, I don't know _how _much of a mark we can make, since we only have the internet, but it'll be pretty large if we get enough people."

The comments section on the right side had loads of things that were saying: '_Wow, nice speech.' 'So inspirational.' 'I loved it.' _I scrolled past those, looking for an actual question. I found one that said, '_I loved your hair flip, can you do it again?'_ I read it out loud, half-laughing while I did so. I put my hair into my eyes, and then flipped it, while Kayla cracked up.

We were both laughing and I saw that five more minutes were added just for me doing that. We could do this all day, with these awesome fans (for those who don't know how YouNow works, if the people watching like your video, they put a thumb up, and if not they put a thumb down. The more thumbs up you get, the more time you get). "Okay, now you guy should send us some more actual questions. We can't just watch Phil flip his hair all day." Kayla said, slightly out of breath from laughing so hard.

I started whipping my hair while singing _I Whip My Hair_ but suddenly stopped and loudly said, "Oh no! I have chlamydia!"

Kayla and I were both on the floor laughing again, both of us also surprised that I would make a joke that refers to something that Dan and I have done (Amazing Dan 2), without out having a sob fest. "See, what fun is being _normal_ when you can be crazy. It' a lot funner!"

I was lying on the floor, and I just read the next question without checking what it was before I looked. "Hey Phil, where is Dan?" I adjusted my glasses, and said calmly, "Well, since you've clearly haven't been alive for like, all these three days of my video spree, in which I've made a total of 5 videos, Dan is up in heaven because God decided that he gave away too much awesomeness when he put both Dan and I here. So he took him back!" I smiled, and Kayla looked at me, beaming. I guess I wasn't as depressed anymore. I guess it was time to tell them that the person who hit Dan was in jail.

"Good news, on this subject. The person who hit Dan was arrested, though _I_ don't know who it was, the police do." I said, still not fully sitting up. I was moving my head around randomly while I said this, and when I was done, I flicked my hair out of my eyes out of habit.

"Seriously? Can't you go two seconds without flipping your hair?" Kayla says, throwing a pillow at me, which causes me to fall from my propped-on-my-arms-but-still-lying-down position.

"I didn't mean to! It just happens!" I wined, sticking my tounge out.

"That was she said!" By this point, I was about to piss my pants with laughter. I've missed being able to be like this, because those three day without Dan might as well have been five, with the ammount of sleep that I've gotten.

Once we were done laughing again, I looked up to find another question, and it went on like that until it was time for us to get off of YouNow and eat dinner so Kayla could go home. That night I actually slept for more than three hours, falling asleep at around elevan. I woke up at around elevan, too, so I think I got pretty stocked up on the sleep that I had missed. The next day went by pretty normal, me making yet another video for The Revolution, and the three day after that went the same. I made a total of four videos over those three days, and the next day I woke up like a kid on christmas day.

You may be asking, "Why would you ever wake up early on a random day?" This day, however, is special. It had been one week since Dan had died, and I was finally allowed to watch the other video that Dan had made me. I was near tears with excitement.

As soon as I woke up I grabbed Dans laptop, not even bothering to get out of bed. I logged on and went to the folder labeled _'When I die.'_ I clicked on it, going to the 'to whom it may concern' video. I waited for it to load, everything going too slow. I had been waiting for this all week, and now as I sat here butterflies ate away at my stomach. Finally, it started, and I stared at it intently. There was Dan, in a park in his red hoddie and black skinnyjeans. He was sitting on a tireswing, and it must have been the middle of the day while school was in, because there weren't any children around.

"Hey Phil. It has been about a week since I have died, I believe, and I have a feeling you've seen the video that I've made for the Danosaurs. Well, this video is pretty much me telling you what I told them. It wasn't all a scam, or anything like that, and if you haven't seen that video, then I am going to tell you what I said in it. I pretty much said that I am in love with you and that when I first met you I had a crush on you, but over time it grew. I don't know weather you feel the same, but I really wanted to be honest. I actually have spent days working on this one video, trying to say it right, but there's no way for me to say it right. No matter how hard I try I can't say this so that it feels like you would like it, but this will have to do. I want to tell you that I have a video diary with pretty much every secret that I have ever kept you, and that is in a password-protected folder, the password being _cheese._ Don't give me that look! Would you ever have been able to guess that? I didn't think so." Laughed shaking his head, and then got serious. "But I'm sorry if you hate me for liking you. Or if you like me back, but we were both too scared to tell. If you don't like the idea of me liking you, then you probably won't like the video diaries, so… sorry about that." Dan looked a little sad and he looked down, messing with his fingers. I wanted to reach out and tell him that there was nothing to worry about, and that I loved him, too. I wanted to ruffel him hair and cradle his head in my arms, apologizing that I hadn't told him. But he wasn't alive anymore, and I had to deal with that. I offically hate the fucking bloke who hit him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, I hope this one will be longer than the last one, because the last one had to be cut short, but make sure you remember what happened in the last one, because this one pretty much starts off where the last one left off. We are still watching Dan's video! (As I said in the last chapter, I managed to make the word document crash because I'm freaking **_**special**_**. Sorry! Love you all).**

**PS- I had my dad try to fix my computer, and the very last part said '**_**that fucking bloke,**_**' and I was like **_**please don't notice, please don't notice, please don't notice.**_

**-Z**

Dan sighed, still in the middle of his video. He was really nervous, and also a bit sad. "I really am sorry, though. Please don't hate me!" He shook his head, trying to get those thoughts out of his head. I wish I could tell him that I love, right now. It's a shame that it took him dying for me to be able to admit that to anyone.

"Also, I want you to know about where some of my things. I told my parents about the things that relate to them, but here's the stuff that you get: My laptop, my camera, my bed, and my clothes and shoes and stuff—also my amber lamp, all my video games, and pretty much everything that my mum and dad don't get. My parent pretty much get a box in the back of my closet that has letter for them that I never really sent and a drawing that is on my window that I made of my family when I was younger. Next, I want you to know that I broke you straightener a few months ago, and ended up buying on exactly like it, and I thought that you should know that… yeah, I'm not really all that interesting, am I?" Dan changed clothes and the side that his fringe was on, showing that it was another day. He was still in the park, and now it was a bit sunny instead of cloudy like it was in the beginning of the video.

"It was about to start raining yesterday, so I cut the video short, if you were wondering." Dan pointed up into the air, and laughed, in a pretty good mood today. "I also wanted to tell you that I got a lion that is in the back of my closet, on the right side. It's a little small, but I wanted it to be special, because it's like, the last thing you'll even get from me ever… Yeah. Bye." The video ended there, and I smiled, going into his closet and going straight to the back of the closet. Sure enough, there was a small lion about the size of his other two that he used in his videos, but this one had his mane dyed black, and had a little friend next to him. As I'm sure you can guess the other one had a brown mane, the same color as Dan's hair. I was absolutely in love with them, and I was in tears. I wasn't sure it was from the love of the Dan and lions or the sorrow that these two stuffed animals brought. It was amazing how a person can make a bigger mark after they've died than when they were alive.

After a while of playing with the little lions and sobbing, I finally went to go get breakfast, after I got ready for the day, by showering, and brushing my teeth and changing my clothes (wearing a tee-shirt, skinny jeans and Dan's llama hat, with non-matching-fun-socks and one of Dan's hoddies, which was too big on my scrawny frame. Also a pair of his shoes, that fit me surprisingly well). I remembered how Dan would always eat before he would brush his teeth, and it bugged him how I did the opposite. I smiled sadly, my tear ducts dried out, so I smiled. Weird, I know, but the only other way I felt I could express the way I felt was through smiling, and on one of my videos that I had posted, I saw a comment that said that my smiles were just as sad as my tears. I guess I'm just radiating depression, enough for the Philions to notice, even.

I started eating breakfast which was a bowl of cereal that used up the last of my milk. I guess I had to go to the store again. Maybe I could start cooking a bit again. Before I had met Dan I had never baked anything, and he stole my "baking virginity." I had gotten quite into cooking while he was still alive, but I haven't done anything other than make cereal since he has died. Maybe I could take lessons! Then, maybe I would be able to have some kind of human interaction other than on the internet and talking to Kayla. I did Skype Chris and PJ occasionally, but since they live so far they haven't had a chance to visit in this long week, but wanted to visit as soon as they could.

I was pulled from wandering thoughts by the doorbell ringing. Who would be visiting me? I wasn't expecting Kayla, and I didn't really other people who would visit. Naturally, I went to go open the door, and I saw Kayla there, a huge grin on her face, which faltered when she saw my eyes red from crying and the two lions in my arms. She regained herself and said proudly, "Guess who I found?"

I blinked, a bit confused, but questioned, "Whom?"

She replied to this by stepping to the side and showed someone very familiar.

It was my older brother, Martin! Immediately I stepped forward and hugged him, my horribly emotional state making me want to cry happy tears, and I guess my tear ducts found a new watering hole, because a few little ocean children escaped. I quickly wiped them away, turning around in hopes that they wouldn't see how broken I really am. I was usually prepared for these things, and right now even the smallest surprise makes me break down, so I'm surprised that I'm not sobbing. Lucky break, I guess.

"Co-come in. It's a little bit of a mess, but go ahead and make yourselves at home." I stuttered. "Anyone want any tea? I'll be making some anyways, so… yeah." I heard my voice crack at the end and I awkwardly shuffled to the kitchen, the other two following. I bit my lip and told myself to suck it up and stop being such a crybaby. To no avail, as I found, because tears still steadily streamed down my face, though I did what I did in the video I made after Dan had died, I let them go while keeping steady breath. I was careful when I was making the tea to not let any tear fall into the pot, and I let it boil, trying to keep my back to them for as long as possible.

Martin, knowing me too well, could tell what I was doing. "You can't keep your back turned on us for forever. You know that." Something about this made my blood boil. I practically became another person—no. I did become another person.

"Do I?! Do I know anything? Not too long ago I _knew _that Dan would live until he was old. Not too long ago I _knew_ that Dan was completely heterosexual. Now I don't know anything for sure! Sow who are _you _to tell me otherwise?" The beast that was yelling at my brother, with my voice, had completely taken over my being. He picked up a coffee cup and threw it at Martin, though his aim was off, like mine would be. It hit the wall with a loud clatter and I stormed out of the room, happy to have a hoddie and shoes on.

I went down the stairs and stepped outside. "Fucking hell!" I yelled. It was raining, just my luck. Why had Martin come over, just when things were getting better? Why couldn't people learn to stay away?

An entire new wave of rage washed over me when I realized that it was Kayla that brought him here. The person that I trusted to not interfere, or try to push me in a direction that I didn't want to go. Martin would tell me to stop being a baby and to stand tall. He did that when I was in high school and was being bullied, not realizing that he had put me one step closer to suicide. I was just too much of a damn coward. I still am that damn coward, at one point I had a friend who made my life less depressing. Now I am back to rock bottom, and don't have anything that I can do about it. I dug my nails into my palm, not even noticing the blood that stained my sleeve as I raised my arm and hit the wall of the apartment building. The one I had shared with Dan. The one where I had last seen Dan alive, where I had watched Dan walk out the door, both of us unknowing that it would be the last time that he would walk out that door.

After aimlessly wandering the familiar streets of Manchester, I finally decided to go back to the flat, hoping that the other two would be gone. I wasn't in the mood to deal with those two. I wouldn't, I refuse. I could see if they were still there, and if they were I could leave again, or make them leave. I wasn't going to take their '_help'. _I wasn't going listen to what I was doing wrong. I wouldn't let them make it worse, even if they were trying to help.

When I was at the door, I put my ear to the door, wanting to be prepared in they were there. At first it was silent, but then I heard Martin say, "What will I do with the bastard. He is always causing problems!" It wasn't necessarily loud, and it was definitely laced with worry, but the words were like a punch in the gut. I knew that he wouldn't actually be very sympathetic, but I didn't know he would let anyone other than himself know.

I slammed the door opened, my face red with anger. The other two immediately were next to me, but I just shook my head when they asked all the questions that you would expect. _Where were you? Are you okay? What's wrong? _I brushed all the questions off, quickly going to my room. I would wait there for them to leave, not matter how long it takes. I locked myself in my room, grabbing headphones and putting them on. I was going to watch Dan's video diaries, and I wasn't going to be interrupted for my life. I put the volume on full, and as soon as I saw Dan's face pop up on the screen, I hailed him and his beauty, not taking my eyes off the screen. It was labeled from the week of April 24th-May 1st, 2011. It wasn't too long after we had met, and he was in a park, but not the one near where we live. It must have been from where he used to live, because we hadn't been living together at this point. "Hello! This is my first video diary. Yay me!" He put his arms up into the air, not a care in the world. Then he looked down, seeming a little shy.

"Okay, so first off, I want to say that I have a crush on one of my friends. I don't know when this really started, but it just sorta… happened. We were chatting on Skype, and he told me that my hair looks nice, I guess that's when, but I bet that it meant nothing to him. What happened was I was telling him what I had done that day, and that was pretty much getting a haircut. I blushed redder than a tomato, but my camera isn't very good, so luckily he didn't notice. I don't know what I would have done if he had. I'm one-hundred-percent sure that he would never talk to me again, because he is straight. I don't have a chance in this lifetime." He looked down, a blush creeping its way across his tanned skin. It broke my heart to see this, and I wish that I could have done something to tell him. But no, we both tried our best to hide it, and apparently it worked, because neither of us had any idea about it.

"I have promised myself that I won't tell him. It wouldn't help anything, and no matter what I think, I would much rather be friends with him without him knowing than him hating me with him knowing. Though, it is probably just a stupid phase, and it'll pass, though I can't help but dream…" He trailed off, then face-palmed. "That was such a sappy, cliché thing to say. I cannot believe that came out of my mouth. That was… I'm just going to walk away before I make more of a fool of myself." The video jumped to the same place, but with small changes, like the pattern the leaves were in and small things that you would only notice if a scene change like the one that had just happened were to occur.

"I video-chatted with Phil earlier, and also Chris. Nothing really big happened between me and Phil, other than how he blushed when I said his was beautiful, but it wasn't really like that. I really meant it, but I hid it behind a joking tone, which was something that I had to do, because I don't want him to know that I'm bi. He was only blushing because he is shy and doesn't really get those kinds of compliments from random people all that often. But a boy can hope, right? I did find out that Chris's mum had surgery, and it went well. It wasn't very life-threatening, though."

It went like this for hours and hours' worth of worth of videos, and I watched them all, all the way to the ones from a couple of weeks ago. It had almost every detail from what Dan and I had done over the time that we had known each other, and every little detail that he would act like it was nothing, but was really huge. A lot of the things that he pointed out he had never acted like he cared. I had no idea how similar we were in that way, brushing things off like they were nothing, but really they meant the world to us. I can't believe how much I had missed. The one from two weeks before was the one that stood out to me the most.

"I was with Phil in the flat today. I was playing Skyrim, and he was apparently talking to me, but I hadn't noticed. What he did was tackle me in a hug and knock me over, and we noticed how close we were—like we almost kissed. I wanted to kiss him so badly, though, but instead I did what I was supposed to do. Afterwards, I noticed that he seemed… disappointed. I could tell he was trying hard to hide it, so I ignored it, not wanting to embarrass him, but I think… he likes me back. It may just be my imagining it, but I'm going to do some small things and see if he reacts. If they work out, then I will tell him about how I feel. I hope that they will work out, because it is my dream to be with Phil. To be something that it more than just friends. It kills me to be so close to him, to be there for every second of the day with him, yet he isn't mine. Any day he could come home with a girl, and he would be hers, stolen right from under me. The though physically hurts me. He's so close to being mine, yet not. It's sort of like being really hungry and the food cooking so that you can smell it, but you can't eat it yet, but the time to eat him doesn't really ever come… Okay, I suck at metaphors. But, back to the… test? Experiments? If I find that Phil likes me back, than I will the happiest boy in the universe, and never again would I feel depressed. Though, I may be getting a head of myself. He is probably one-hundred-percent straight—no, he _is_ one-hundred-percent straight. Completely heterosexual." He shook his head sadly and decided that that had been enough talking for that day, the scene changing to him alone in his room. I guess I wasn't home at the time of him filming this.

"First test complete. It took me one step closer to me telling him how I feel, and you may be asking what the stupid test is. It was a small thing, and very simple—who would pull away first in a hug. I just gave him a hug in the hall as if I hadn't seen him in ages, and I held him until either I thought he had fallen asleep or he would pull away. Seventeen seconds! Like, ten seconds would be a lot, but _seventeen._ Either he likes me, or he really needed a hug, because that was literally the longest hug I had ever had. And it was amazing, and I never wanted to let go. I did, after a while, but I didn't want to. I think that if the next two tests go well, I will definitely move the date of which I tell him back. For now, though, the best I can do is hope."

The next two entries were all about things that I remembered perfectly, and relished, even before I found that it was Dan intentionally flirting with me. How Dan would actually try to _nicely_ help me during certain video games, and how he would offer to make tea, and call me these cute little nick-names. They weren't monstrously huge things, but things you would notice if you had a crush on a person, which I did, and I did notice. The last entry was four day before Dan had died, and also five days until he was going to tell me that he loves me. I was a bit panicked when there wasn't the next video, but then my eyes fell upon Dan's camera, next to his wallet and phone, his key on the rack by the door. I eagerly grabbed it, trying to turn it on. To my luck, it was dead, but I took that SD card out and plugged it into the computer, waiting for it to recognize. After a second, the options file popped up, and I clicked on the option _Play All Files_. I checked the clock while waiting for it to start, and saw that I had spent all day doing this, starting at around nine in the morning, and the time now it is eight-sixteen at night. I wonder if Kayla and Martin are still there…

The computer started the video, and I immediately turned my attention to it. Dan started the camera, going back to sit on the swing. Once he was situated, he pulled a rose out of his pocket, examining it. I hadn't seen it before in the flat or anything, but as soon as he started talking the only thing that I was thinking about was him. "I'm going to be blunt about this; I don't think Phil really likes me. I was out in town with him, and there was a waitress, who was flirting with him. She wasn't very discreet about it, and had started flirting with me, but when I was unresponsive, she moved on to trying to flirt with Phil. He was very kind in his responses, and I don't think he really realized that it seemed like he was flirting. I have decided to pull back on my plans, because they are rather stupid and going against the promise I made in the first video diary. I am not going to ruin what Phil and I have built up; there would be no way for me to deal with myself if I do."

I stared at the screen as Dan shut down the camera, the next day's diary starting up. I paused the video and shook my head. How could I have been so naïve? If I had noticed how Dan was flirting with me, then maybe I wouldn't have been so nice to the waitress—even though he was right. I didn't realize either of them were flirting with me. I am such a stupid person! I can't believe I could let my chances slip away so easily, without even noticing that they were there. I wish I could have done something, but I had missed my chances.


	4. Chapter 4

I was beyond furious with myself, practically throwing the laptop off of my legs. I needed a way to vent, but didn't have any plans when I stormed out of the room. I saw Martin and Kayla on the couch, cuddling like a couple who had known each other for years, both of them asleep. Brilliant. My brother and pretty much my only other friend had fallen for each other, and they had no problems. They hadn't had anything standing in their way, like gender or anything like that. They were lucky, and I was very jealous. If you mix jealousy and anger, I'm pretty sure you can figure out that the outcome isn't good.

"I want you two out of my house!" I roared, glaring at the two people who were scrambling off of the couch. Kayla looked quite scared, never having heard me yell. I knew it was wrong, but I enjoyed seeing her fear, and would love to see her flea. I banished those thoughts to the back of my mind, them scaring me. Martin stood up, anger flashing in his eyes, though he didn't scare me in the slightest. I could fall from the window and I still would only feel this blinding anger laced with nostalgia and jealousy.

"You will _not_ talk to her like that. I don't know what has gotten into you, Phillip, but this needs to stop." I gave him a look that said _you really just asked that, _gathering their jackets and shoes, giving it to them. He raked a hand through his hair, knowing his mistake. I wonder if he ever realized the mistakes that he made back in high school that already causes me to have cold feelings.

"I'm sorry, but please leave. I would like to be alone." I locked eyes with Martin, putting all the coldness and hatred I could into the look. He shook his head, sitting down on the couch. From just his posture you could he was extremely stressed, but I didn't care. He shouldn't even be here, so he didn't have any reason to be stress.

"Kayla, love, can you go back to the hotel? I think I need to explain some things to Phillip." I stared off into space as Martin said this; Kayla silently grabbed her things, moving as quickly as she could. She was with Martin—like, _with_ with. I should have guessed no random girl could have weaseled her way into my life and have not been connected to me in a way other than YouTube; they wouldn't have been able to understand.

As soon as Kayla left, I looked at him, my expression completely blank. I was tired of having to put up with this shirt, and didn't want to have to take it anymore, but didn't say anything. I looked at Martin, him shifting uncomfortably under the weight of my eyes. Looking at the ground, he sighed, muttering two words that would've help him if he had done it a while ago, but now it is too late for them. He couldn't regain any of my respect, nor my forgiveness. The '_I'm sorry'_ that he muttered didn't mean anything to me, but I wanted to know if he knew everything that he had done wrong, both when we were younger and today. Did he ever realize how stupid he could act?

"For what?" He faltered at this, but I still kept a steady stare on him, not taking my eyes off of him once.

"For everything. For yelling at you and being so hard on you when you're going through a hard time like this. For sending Kayla to look after you when I was too afraid to come check up on you myself. For… for not being there." He stared at the ground, ashamed. Time to tell him why I was really mad.

"Sorry, wrong answer. No prize for you! That may be part of the reason that I'm mad at you, and certainly is the reason that I exploded like that, but it isn't correct. The reason that I am mad goes way back, all the way into high school. 12th year, you told me something that I still haven't forgotten, and it took me one step further into depression. Over time I found one thing that made it so that I was okay with myself, and that I wasn't a piece of rubbish that shouldn't be alive. That one thing was called a friend—my best friend. Now, I don't have that mental crutch, and I don't have any way to deal with my problems. Along with that, I have loads of mental stress that has suddenly just been dumped on me, along with the old wounds that have just been reopened. You are being more of a nuisance that a help right now, Martin, and I don't know what to do with you. I know I shouldn't just kick you and Kayla out and never talk to you again, like I really want to, but I don't know how to deal with you. I don't know what to do anymore!"

Martin looked near tears, but held them in, sighing to himself. "I hoped that you had forgotten about that. I hoped that it wasn't as horrible as I remembered it to be, and that it wouldn't affect you as much as I thought it would, but I was wrong. The word did manage to get under your skin, and I did manage to hurt you, but I am sorry, Phillip. I wish I could take it all back, and heal all of the scars that I left. I wish I hadn't been so stupid."

I snorted, rolling my eyes. Really? He thought he could fix it with just a few words? It may have started with just a few words, but it certainly is going to take a lot more to fix it. Did he even know what I had almost done the night after? How close I had come to ending my own life? To be honest, I kind of wish I had. Then I wouldn't have caused Dan so much pain, nor have had to go through so myself. "You can't, though. You can't _heal the scars. _You can't _take it back_. The damage it done and you can't fix it. You are just too late, and there isn't any need for you to even try anymore, so why don't you and Kayla just go back home? Can't you just pack up your thing and act like none of this ever even happened? Just pretend that you hadn't even interfered. It would be a lot easier for everyone that way." Martin looked at me with glistening eyes, but I still showed him the door. Some small part of me said that this wasn't the way I should deal with these problems, but I completely ignored it. As soon as I knew that Martin was gone, I broke down and cried myself to sleep, right in the middle of the floor, in full clothing. For the first time in a long time I dreamt about the time I almost committed suicide—or, more over, the events leading up to it.

_I was back in high school, pretending that the way the other kids would call me names and such wasn't bothering me. Who was I kidding? All I wanted was for them to leave me alone, but no, I still was their number one target—the only thing that I would ever be first in, as they often reminded me. I was hoping to seek refuge in the library, but to no avail. Cassie was there, gossiping with Claire and Anna. I knew that at heart Cassie really wasn't a bad person—no one really is—but she really loved to try and prove me wrong. _

"_Hey look! It's Phil the Fag. Have you gotten over your crush on Dylan, or are you still obsessed with him?" Claire called, making sure that I could hear. I grabbed a random book, moving straight into the back of the library. I sat there, buried in the torn pages, but it wasn't good in the slightest. The name was fuzzy, I knew it was horrible. I sighed, eventually finding the courage to put the book back on its spot on the shelf and walk out the door. I ignored the names that were being called, silently hoping that the librarian would take notice. When I was almost out the door, I nearly fell back because Dylan had yanked back on my collar. I stumbled, but found a way to regain my footing before I made an even bigger fool of myself. I had never actually been beaten up by them, but words really could hurt—especially with my frail mind-set. This time, though, I could tell that it would be different. This time he would take it a step further, and I wasn't going to like it. _

_The scene changed and I was sitting on my bed, my brother was leaning on the door frame, a scowl written across his face. I knew that his girlfriend would be here any minute, and I would have to stay in my room while she met our parents. My mum and dad didn't really care if I met her—it made no difference to them—but my brother wanted to make sure I understood why I couldn't be down there. He didn't want his girlfriend to meet his 'little emo brother, who moans about the smallest little thing.' _

"_When Kayla comes, I want you to be up here, okay?"_

"_Why?" This was the one question that caused all of this. I wish I had never asked. _

"_Because I don't want you to scare her off with your fucking emo-wanna-be getup. And I most certainly don't want to her to hear about how much of a loser my little brother is. Then she would definitely leave me, and I would choose her over you any day." His cold stare landed on me, and I silently nodded, not showing him how much it hurt. He hadn't cared about my black eye or anything like that, he just want to make sure I knew not to mess with his relationship. Of course. _

_Once Kayla was here, I hid in my room, looking at a blade that I had taken off of an old pencil sharpener. I held it up to my wrist, not having a goal to hurt myself, but to kill myself. I knew that I deserved it all—after all, who could love this fat, ugly, emo little boy? No one could possibly find anything special I me, and I don't really think that there is anything there worth noticing—there _is_ nothing worth noticing. I was plain, and I deserved to die. Those were my last thoughts before I finally let the blade cut into my skin. _

I woke up in a cold sweat, shivering. I remembered that night perfectly well, and occasionally it would pop up in my dreams, but it hadn't been this vivid in a while. It was probably caused my Martin and Kayla coming to visit, which I realized that it was probably the same Kayla from seven years ago. I guess he hadn't really changed, since that was my first time meeting her.

Finding that I was still on the floor in the middle of the flat, I got up and went into my room—not Dan's room. The bed was still made and everything in there because I have barely been in here since Dan's death. I shed down into what I was going to ware for bed, and climbed into the cold bed, just sitting there to think about what I was going to do. What could I do? I had pretty much no one on my side, no one to lean on. No one to help, and no one to help me. I couldn't remember being so alone, but I guess I had to have been at one point. Maybe because I was comparing it to when I was at the top of the world. When I was invincible. Or possibly because I had already lost something and these were just problems piling on top of each other. Either way, I know that I was at rock bottom, and the only way to fix that is to get back up. Or, you could say that I had to put more time into the revolution, because that is pretty much the only thing I live for now.

In the morning, of course.


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm trying to write as many chapters as possible, because school has started, and between Jazz and Cross-Country, it takes up 11 ½ of the day, from 7:30 to 18:00. Then I have homework and all the jazz, so I'm just writing as much as I can this weekend. **

**PS-I'm trying to make it happier, but it's hard because I love to write really depressing stories (which is weird, because I'm like **_**hey, why can't we all be friends? Everyone here is like, awesome, even if you hate me or whatever! :D**_**). So, it this like, happy enough to be considered happy? I would love you a lot for till forever if you gave feedback (or not, if you don't want to. Whatever floats your boat). **

I watched the rain clouds flying through the sky, much faster than my tired brain was moving. I hadn't slept at all last night, not on the floor, my bed, or Dan's. No matter what, I couldn't stop the horrible things that were in my head from terrorizing me all throughout the night. Eventually, I gave up on sleep and just sat by the window, trying to get my priorities sorted and what I needed to think through thought through. To no avail, I found, as I finally left my spot by the window. I had watched the sunrise, and the clouds come to water the city of Manchester. I watched all the people scurry away to seek refuge from the pounding droplets, and saw the number of people who probably wanted to have just a fun time run to their homes, afraid of a little water. It's weird how people will pay money to have it, yet once it falls from the sky, free, they run. Weird.

I got up and walked around, not really wanting to do anything. After hours of just sitting around, wandering in and out of room, I finally decided to call Martin. I knew that I had to, but I really didn't want to have to face him. I had no idea how it would go, but I hoped he would forgive me. I was willing to forgive him, because I knew he was sorry, and I knew I needed someone other than myself in my life, unless I wanted to go completely insane.

Grabbing my phone, I dialed his number, listening to the rings drone on. What if he didn't want to answer? What if he wouldn't want to see me again after the way I treated him? I pushed those thoughts away, focusing on the long tones that signaled that his phone was ringing. After about the third ring, he picked up, and I let the breath that I was holding out. I bit my lip as he said my name, not really sure if it was me calling. "Phillip? Is that you calling? Phillip?"

"Yeah Martin, it's me." I replied, my voice horse. I swallowed, extremely nervous. I had no idea what could possibly happen, and neither did he, I'm guessing. "Listen… I'm really sorry about how I acted yesterday, and—"

"Phillip, don't be sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way from the beginning, and I'm sorry." Martin replied, and I was once again in tears, saying something that I haven't said since before the fight.

"It's Phil, not Phillip, Martin." I could tell that it wasn't just my unstable mind that made this emotional, because he had to clear his throat to talk, and his voice was scratchy.

"I've missed you, Phil." I felt so warm inside, and I felt like I finally wasn't missing something. Even when Dan was here I didn't feel that way. I wiped away some tears, a smile forming on my face. I had my older brother back! After a couple of seconds of silence, I asked him a question that was bugging me just a bit.

"Are you with the same Kayla, or is it a different girl?" I hoped he didn't take it the wrong way, because I honestly didn't care who it was. I had never met the girl before, so it really doesn't make that much of a difference to me.

"The same girl." His voice had a slight edge of nervousness, but I wanted him to know that it didn't make a difference to me.

"Cool. Maybe we could all hang out at some point in the near future? Like, go to Shake-Away or something?"

I could practically hear his relief, and I smiled to myself. We had our brotherly bond back! That was one of the best things that could ever exist in life. You can't quite understand it if you don't have any siblings, but if you do have a brother or sister you can understand that even though you fight and act like you guys are worst enemies, you really love each other. It isn't the same without them. In a way it is kind of like that with people, too. Before I met Dan, I guess I could have lived without him, but now that I have met him and lived with him for a while, it is going to be rough—it had been pretty rough so far. But everything will work out. Though I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone the way I loved Dan, I know that there is a way to carry on. There always is.

"Sure! I would love to do that, and I'm pretty sure that Kayla would like that, too. Maybe later today we could go and get some coffee or something. Catch up a bit, maybe?" I smiled, amazed at how well this is going. Finally something going right! Fist pump!

"I'd love to! How about we meet up at around two, so that way we have time to get ready and stuff."

"Yeah, that'd be great! See you at Starbucks then, okay?"

"Okay. See you then. Love you, bye-bye."

"Love you, too, man. Bye." I smirked. No matter how emotional of a moment we could have, he would always try to have some of the tough-guy image. I've actually given up on that, between the amount that I have cried this week, my raspberry body wash, and my hair straightener. I know that I'm not necessarily all that girly, but I'm not afraid to have an emotional moment where I tell my older brother I love him—especially after the supermassive fight that we had. It is a little bit weird how different we are.

After we hung up, I went and took a shower, taking my time in there, making sure to wash away all of the grime that came with my depression. I felt so free now, everything seeming so much brighter. I could take on the world!

When I was ready, I grabbed my wallet and phone, and when I went to grab my keys, I saw Dan's on his hook next to mine. I looked at them, counting the keys, a sense of nostalgia coming over me. There was the car key, the house key, some little trinkets (some of the from the Danosaur community), a key for our gym locker (which really hasn't been used), and one other key. I had no idea what the key could be for, but I knew that I had seen it somewhere before. I shrugged it off and headed out, locking the door behind me. It the back of my mind I pondered, but when I arrived at Starbucks, I banished it from my thoughts. I could look into it later.

I found that Kayla and Martin had already beaten me there, and ordered a hot chocolate coffee. When I got my order, I sat down next to them, smiling. We chatted about normal people things, like the weather, and how generic life has been—or, more over, how their life has been, since they know pretty much what has been happening to me. After a while, we got into the serious part of the conversation, as you could guess was coming.

"So, Phil, how come I hadn't met you before? Were you adopted or something like that?" I glanced at Martin, and he returned the look. What could we possibly tell her? Though, I'm not surprised that she asked if I was adopted, because we look nothing alike, but still, she hadn't heard of me? Not once?

Martin broke the silence, biting her lip a bit. "It's… a long story."

"Yeah, going back all the way to when you first met our mum and dad." I said, a slight smile playing across my lips. It felt a bit nice to have the problems out in the open, even though I hadn't told him everything, I had told him more than I had ever told anyone else. I don't think I would ever tell anyone about what I did that night.

Kayla was silent, not having a clue what was happening, and Martin looked quite ashamed, but I? I had this horrible urge to laugh. I don't really know what I would laugh about, but I knew that I wanted to laugh, like really, properly laugh. I found something about it funny—especially my near-death experience. That really freaked me out. Am I becoming insane?

"What was that, Phil?" Martin asked, worriedly. Had I said that out loud? Shit! I shook my head dismissively, muttering '_nothing_.' He gave me a look that told me that he knew I was lying, and I gave he an '_I'll talk about it later'_ look. It was weird how we could both still understand our silent conversations, even after seven years. I guess it just doesn't go away.

We finished out night with some more polite chit-chat, and went our separate ways, but not before Martin asked me about what happened earlier.

"What did you mean when you said you thought you were going crazy?" He asked, a bit freaked out by the idea of his younger sibling losing his sanity.

"Well… it's a long story, and I'm not sure it you really want to hear it…" I started, but his body movements told me to go on. So I did.

"I didn't really tell you the full story about what happened when Kayla first came over. I don't actually like the story, either, so that's probably why I haven't told you. You won't like it." I looked at him, making sure he really wanted to hear about it. I knew that he would want to; I was really just stalling for time, trying to figure out how I would put my word. Once I got the confirming nod, I began, biting my lip a bit. "Well, once she came over, I went into my room, just like you told me to, and I went into my bag, finding an old pencil sharpener. I managed to get the blade free, and I… I tried to kill myself." I rolled up my sleeve, showing the faint scars on my wrist. You had to look be paying attention to see them, but you could tell they were there once you saw them. They were still slightly pink, which really stood out against my vampire-like skin, and they were raised a tad, so if you were to run your fingers over the scars, you could slightly feel then. I always wore a few wristbands to cover them up, but at the time I had none. You could tell want I had tried to do that night, even now, seven years later.

Martin was silent, staring at my wrist, gingerly wrapping his fingers on either side of the scar. I bit my lip, not knowing what to say. What could I say? _Oh, I tried to kill myself that one night when you were really mean to me, lol, but at least I'm still alive. See you around!_ I decided to play it off as nothing, though we both know that it definitely is a huge matter.

"At least it didn't work." I said, brushing some of my hair into my eyes, so he would see how nervous I was. What if he sent me to an insane asylum, or something horrible? I could feel Martin fall to his knees, dragging me down slightly. I went with it, going to and kneeling next to him.

"Why did you not tell me? I could have done something. I could have… I could have…" I could tell he was shocked, and tears slipped down his face, snaking down and falling onto my arm. He cradled it, like his life depended on it. As if by caring for the scar now, he could take it back, so that I hadn't done it. Honestly, though, I don't really regret it. I think that it was something that made me who I am. Martin pulled me into a hug, full out sobbing, on the ground in the middle of the sidewalk in front of Starbucks. I was thoroughly embarrassed, but hugged him back, stroking his back, reassuring him that it wouldn't happen again and that it would all be fine.

_I had told him. It feels so nice to let someone in. To tell them about what you did in your past. I felt like a huge weight had been taken off of my chest, and that I was truly free from the secrets that had bound me for years. I had forgotten how nice it felt._


	6. Chapter 6

It had been weeks since Martin and I were sitting on the sidewalk sobbing, though it felt like much longer. Life was a lot better than it had been before Martin had come, though. I was eating properly and had a sleeping pattern down (though, it still involved me going to sleep at around three and waking up at around eleven or twelve). For the most part I had gotten over what had happened with Dan, but he was definitely still in my heart. I still can't believe that we both like each other, and he had pretty much figured it out, yet neither of us told the other, though.

I was thinking about this when I remembered that I never actually finished the videos on Dan's camera. I slowly stood up from my position by the window. There would be times where I would just sit there and think about my life and how it has been going, and that was one of those times. I grabbed Dan's laptop, starting it up. It hadn't been used in quite a while, but it still ran exactly the same, starting up instantly. I followed the computerized path to the information on the SD card, and I skipped the first part. I didn't need to feel that pain again.

Dan was in his usual spot, having just started the camera. He looked the way he always did, clad in black skinny jeans and a cat shirt, sitting on the tire swing. He looked at the camera, smiling. "I've decided to leave a note to Phil, explaining everything. It is in a box under my bed, and the key is on my key ring. It'll tell him about my feelings and things, and when I feel ready, I'll give it to him. That may be it twenty years, or twenty minutes. But I won't chicken out, and I will do what I know I need to. I mean, I have to be honest with myself; I can't hide it for forever, can I? But I can't quite do it yet, maybe in a month. Who knows, I may do it today! Then we can all live happily ever after, the end. Yeah, right, like that'll really happen. _Somehow_ I will mess up, even if he likes me back, I know it. But, _que sera sera. _Whatever will be, will be. Akuna matata. Yolo. Who cares? Why be so pessimistic? It'll all eventually pass, and it'll all just seem so tiny and insignificant that we will be able to laugh at it for days. Or, when I die, people really won't care about who I liked, you know? Yeah. Bye."

The next two days were pretty much talking about how we had met a lot of fans, and how cool it was, and things like that. There were also two vlogs about things for his _danisnotinteresting_ channel, because he hadn't posted on that for a while. Finally, it was the last day, and I watched with wet eyes as he sat on his tire swing, oblivious to the fact that he would be dead in a few hours. He was in a really good mood as he turned on the camera. Instead of being dressed in his normal clothes, he was dressed in his nice white shirt and black tie, with his traditional black skinny jeans, of course. He spun around a couple times, and when he stopped, he looked straight at the camera, saying "I'm going to tell Phil! Today, at around five, I will go to him and give him the box. I'm not quite sure why I'm so dressed up, because he won't really see me, but I'm excited. All I have to do is give him the key, and get the box from under my bed. Then, if he doesn't like me back, I can, like move out, and if he does, we can live like a couple! Honestly, I think the prize is worth the risk, and I'm finally risking it. I love you, Phil Lester!" Then, the scene changed, and he was vloging. He started out with the classic "Hey Danosaurs" and continued from there.

"Okay, whether or not you see this depends on Phil's reaction, but if you do end up seeing this, then I want you guys to know that Phil and I will be going out. I believe that you should know this, ya know, so yeah. Also—" There was a squeal, and a car came up onto the sidewalk, ramming Dan straight into the wall. The camera was positions on the ground so that I could see everything that was happening, and I saw Dan, on the ground, bleeding out. The same gaping wound that I saw when I saw him in the morgue was on his head, just a hell of a lot bloodier. I was going to be sick as I saw a drunken man come out of the car and carry him into the middle of the street. What was he thinking?! If he would have just called 999, then Dan could possibly live! The man left the view, but I could hear his wheel thumping on the cobble stone as he sped off. How could someone do that?! Just hit them and run away like that! It was inhumane! I shook my head. _The man is already locked up_ I reminded myself. That couldn't stop me from being pissed.

After cooling down, I went and grabbed the box from underneath Dan's be, grabbing the keys from off of the hook. I sat on the sofa, staring at the box for a few minutes, studying the outside of it. I was grey and made of metal, fitting in my palm. Who knew something so small could hold something so big, like, I don't know… my heart? And Dan's, along with essentially both of our lives. I finally opened the box, tenderly putting to the key into the lock, turning in until I heard a _click_. I opened the box, seeing one small note folded up with my name and Dan's name on the front. I unfolded it and read:

_Dear Phil,_

_I like you a lot. I know you may not look at me the same after reading this, but I want you to know it. If you want me to move out, then I am okay with that. If you like me back, then please tell me. I don't really see any point of making this a very long letter, so I'll end it here. _

_Dan_

I stared at the note. He was going to give this to me. Dan was going to tell me that he likes me. Daniel Howell was going to tell people that he like Phillip Lester. And one man killed my dreams, and the dreams of loads of Phan-girls. I wish he could have died instead of Dan.

I opened a word document really quickly, typing something as fast as I could. _I was going to go see my Dan again._ I went to the cabinet, grabbing Dan's old sleeping pills. It said not to take two within an hour, so I grabbed six. I bit my lip, grabbing an extra two. In the end, I brought the entire bottle, sitting by the computer. I made sure to take the passcode off of the laptop, just so that if someone comes by and the computer has shut down, they won't be locked out and not know what the note said. I grabbed some water, taking as many of the sleeping as I could, one thought running through my head. _I was going to go see my Dan again. I was going to go see my Dan again. I was going to go see my Dan again._

I got extremely tired, lying down on the ground, sleep capturing me for the final time. The silence was deafening.

_To whom it may concern,_

_I just want to say thanks and good-bye. Thank you for making my life so worth-while. I love you all, mum, dad, Martin, Kayla. Even Simon! Good-bye. I'm going to be reunited with the boy that I love. Don't worry; I'll see you guys later. Probably sooner than you think. Please don't put your life on hold for my death or anything like that. This is good-bye. _

_Love Phil_

They were finally together again.


	7. Epilogue

You know how when you get really dizzy after spinning around a bit, and nothing really seems real anymore? Or when you wake up the morning after watching _The Matrix_, and everything seems fucked up? Imagine those feelings, just multiplied by a thousand. That is how I felt as the drowsiness wore off. Like everything was really, _really_ fucked up, and everything was spinning, even though I was on solid ground. I tried to take a step, but once I tried moving, I found that I was extremely sore. Like, have you ever been lazy all summer, then went to school and signed up for a sport, and the next day you were sore in muscles that you didn't even know you had? Like that, just much worse. I fell down, breathing like I had just run a million miles, feeling very faint. What could possibly have happened that would have put me through this much pain?

"It's the worst in the beginning. Don't worry, just give it a minute, it'll pass." A voice said. It felt like they were talking to me from a distance. If I were to focus, then I would probably be able to tell you more about what they sounded like and things like that, but I couldn't even tell you if it was a machine or a normal person.

Apparently, though, they were right. After a couple of minutes, I was fine, but I was still confused. Where the fuck was I? And what was that voice? I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I slowly turned around, feeling like a child. A man with brown hair and eyes was kneeling next to me. He had a fuzzy hat and skin-tight jeans, along with a light blue tee and a green hoddie. He wasn't too bad looking, either, with no blemishes on his tanned skin, yet with freckles that made him even more beautiful. He was the only thing that I could see, everything else being completely blank. Not really white, but… clear. Not any color, or anything like that, but _blank_. I don't really know how else to explain it.

"What—who—where happening?" I found myself saying. I couldn't really form a complete thought, and my words were a bit slurred. The man laughed at my tied tongue, understanding what I was going through. He carefully placed a hand on my back, and I found myself going closer to him, loving his warmth. I wrapped my arms around him, and he returned the gesture. He smelled really nice…

"Nice to see you, too, Phil. It'll all come back in a second. Don't worry." He rubbed my back soothingly, and I was feeling a bit drowsy. "Don't fall asleep too fast there, Phil. It's not over quite yet." I pulled back, looking at him with confusing. Then I understood perfectly well—because an intense pain shot through the back of my skull and through my heart, knocking the breath out of me. It felt like I had been shot multiple times, just much, much worse. It probably only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like it lasted for years. It was horrible.

When the immense pain finally subsided, I collapsed into Dan, relishing his warmth even more. I now knew who I was, how I died, and who this person is. I ran my thoughts over the subject of Dan. Dan. Dan!

My head shot up, and I legitimately tackled Dan into a hug, crying with how I was finally able to see him again. I have no idea how he could possibly react, but honestly I don't care. I had Dan back.

We hugged each other like that for a while, both of us knowing pretty everything just from that one simple action. He loves me, and I love him. Simple. Finally, something was simple in my life.

We pulled away from our hug only to look each other in the eyes and share a kiss. It was sweet, and we savored it, tenderly wrapping our arms around the other. Both of us just ten feet when someone cleared their throat behind us.

"Okay, you guys have eternity to spend with each other; I don't think that needs to happen now." A familiar voice said behind me. I immediately turned around, smiling, seeing my brother Martin there! I dragged Dan up, throwing an arm around Martin while still holding Dan's hand with the other. Dan joined in the hug, so that I could actually hug my brother without losing contact with him. I wouldn't want lose Dan again.

After a second, we were all tackled by Kayla, who was beaming. She was probably glad to see Martin again. Dan and I pulled back as Martin and Kayla had their reunion, giving each other a large kiss. I wondered how long they've been apart—obviously a lot longer to Kayla than to Martin, because he seemed just a bit more casual about seeing her than Kayla was about seeing him. She was hugging him like she would never let go.

"Time to catch up, no?" Dan asked, wrapping a protective arm around me from behind. He probably felt the same way I did, most likely because we didn't get any time to be a couple when we were still alive.

We all told each other about what happened after each person died. I told Dan about his video diaries, slightly ashamed about what I had done, but after us apologizing to each other, and me apologizing about a thousand times to Martin and Kayla, we continued on to what happened to Martin and Kayla. Martin was really depressed for a long while, but managed to eventually get on with his life. He and Kayla got married, and had two children, both girls, and when he was sixty-seven he died. Twelve years later, Kayla came here to join him. I smiled at this, seeing that we were all about twenty-one. Maybe I would see my mum and dad when they were younger.

As if on cue, two girls came running up to us. One of them was clinging to a man, and the other one awkwardly walking next to a man. Later, I found that they had fallen in love in high school, but had been separated, but neither of them really fell in love again, and when they came here, they were with each other again. It was just a bit awkward because they hadn't had contact for years, and had suddenly woken up in a strange place where they were the only people. I guess that was pretty understandable.

Everyone seemed to join us, from our parents, and our friends, and all of their families and children. The entire time, everyone seemed to be glued to a person, like Dan and I were, or Kayla and Martin.

After a while, all of the couples seemed to disperse, probably want some alone time with their lover. I agreed, and Dan and I walked off in a direction where no one else was. After taking about two steps, we were alone. I don't know how, but really didn't want to question it. We had died, and this was whatever happens after you die, so I should know that something weird would happen.

I carefully buried my hands under Dan's hat, the softness of his hair amazing. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I could tell he wasn't going to let go any time soon. We stood there, staring into each other's eyes for forever.

**All done! Sorry, I couldn't really figure how to give it a happy ending, but this is close enough! Thank you, everyone, and I hope you realize that I had no idea what I was doing whist I was writing this. I mostly wanted to get my first story out, so here is the epilogue! TADA! **

**Okay, I also want to point out some things in the story that I kind of left out and I have no idea what to do about them, so I've decided to tell you these things, but they are definitely ruin the story for you! :D**

**I don't have any idea what "The Revolution" was. I didn't think the plan through, so I left it alone and hoped no one would notice**

**I wasn't going to kill Phil. I actually thought about having him get together with Tiny Tina from the Police Station, or possibly Kayla**

**I was going to put Simon up in heaven, but was too lazy to write him in, since I forgot the first time writing it**

**When I first started this story, I wasn't even going to kill Dan (I really didn't plan this story out at all. I hope you realize that)**

**I don't know what I was thinking when I put in the part where Phil started to flip his hair**

**Kayla owns a cat, but I forgot to put that in… her name is Mary Jane! (Marijuana…)**

**I got reviews from people who are guests, and I was like "I would love to respond, but they don't have a fanfiction account… oh well." (Thanks to all of you, by the way. You can email me if you want: alices8wonders ! ;) *that just seemed way too flirty, so I added that… I don't really use proper logic, do I?*)**

**I was on YouTube, and whilst the video was loading, I pressed the '**_**up'**_** button, and it started a game of snake… just thought I'd point that out…**

**^That was really off topic, but in real life, I ramble a lot, so I'm using that excuse… yeah. Fin! The end! All done! … Kay, bye. **


End file.
